My Ego

An ode to my ego

My ego has gone through more shit then that chick from the first Jurassic Park movie. Highs and lows everywhere you turn. So permit me to do a little high-level self psychology

I was going to go into a long drawn out Wikipedia definition of the ego the id and the super-ego but I’m not teaching a psych course.

My situation is a simple circle of redundancy.

1. Win…I need to win. I can’t stand losing ever in anything EVER. I can be childish, mature, or whatever I need to be in order to win. If I don’t win I…
2. Lose… Which in my case, losing may very well feel worse thing winning, it’s tough to say. I take losses very VERY hard. It gets inside of me, it bugs me it lingers and festers. I will do anything in my power not to lose. Why do I take losing so badly? Probably because I…
3. Overanalyze… Any situation you can imagine I will manage to overanalyze. Doesn’t matter how trivial I will overthink the shit out of it, which is why losing always feels worse. I have to analyze my loss and the factors and causes until its all I can think about; it possesses me and stops me from being able to get over whatever I fucking lost. Over analysis then leads to…
4. Isolation/Uniqueness… When I can’t possibly explain my over analysis to people it limits my social interactions as I would much rather be in my own head then be outgoing and thus considered fucking weird. This builds up my own identity as a lone wolf and as a unique individual which I covet as the reason I’m so fucking weird. But no matter how much you call yourself unique, when you don’t open up you feel…
5. Lonely… Nothing is worse then feeling alone. It’s literally 2 shots coming at you as you lose any sense of friendship, while at the same time have nobody to talk to about being alone. Well when you’re feeling blue and you want to feel better what do you do?
6. Win… Or drink… both are acceptable

So if I can win just enough, I can feel pretty damn good… Quit judging me! What’s your vice huh?!?!

My problem is this cycle has gotten me all my success so far to date. Why did I get through university with such good grades, and pass all my accounting exams without problems? Because the though of losing (IE failing) and how fucking awful I would feel for months and months on end drove me to work so hard that it was impossible to fail. Couple that with the fact that constantly be thinking and analyzing (from my over analysis experience) got me through high school, university and all of my exams, which got me wins, which gets me happy!

The same cycle follows in my relationships with women. My mind just can’t comprehend losing, and by that logic my mind thinks that every woman on planet earth MUST want me. So getting rejected by a girl absolutely haunts me. Its like losing, it just nags and nags at me and slowly tears my confidence apart. So I need to keep winning

One day I’ll find the girl, and the person that caters to this, and compliments me… I’ll find the friends who will

I’ll explain the perfect girl sometimes…whenever

One Love..